For this year…
For this year, 2021, I’m going to try and get more things done. Because I got nothing done last year. And to be honest, though I hate the reason for it, I loved the whole downtime of 2020. The year started very badly for me and I wanted everything to just stop so I could get a rest. A break.
And then it did.
I didn’t use the time constructively. But I didn’t want to construct anything. I just wanted to not have to deal with what I was dealing it.
And if I’m being honest I still feel the same.
But I know that at some point this year, things – life – is going to return to something like how it was before. I’d like it to be different. Both in my life, in my immediate environment and in the world generally.
Is this the fight I am resting up before?
No. I’m not a fighter. And I certainly won’t thank you if you make me one. No. I fight only when I feel there is an existential threat. So the fight I’m referring to is the fight against the coronavirus. I haven’t got it. And I don’t think I will get it. But I know we all need to get past this.
Rest up. Recover – that is get a bit fitter, a bit healthier. And then be part of what is going to turn this around. For now, that’s staying home, socially distancing, mask wearing, hand hygiene and – when it’s available to me – getting vaccinated. I see doing all that as being part of the fight against covid.
So I’m not going fight to change things? I don’t see changing myself or changing how things work or changing hearts and minds, as a fight. I don’t see how I’ll change me by beating myself up and I know I won’t change you by beating you up.
Violence is the recourse of the weak.
Have I felt so weakened by how I have been treated that I feel violent rage coursing through me? At times, yes. Have I given into those feelings? Thankfully, no. I’ve never really been that weak. But I understand the impulse.
There’s a lot of nastiness in our world. A lot of cruelty. Life is cruel. But our world is set up in a way that adds a whole load of trouble and awfulness that is completely unnecessary.
Am I saying this because of what happened in Washington DC on Wednesday? No. That’s was horrifying but also ridiculous. The people there didn’t seem to have any clue how serious what they were doing was. I think they should all be arrested and tried. Life is not some role-playing fantasy. And you certainly shouldn’t be allowed storm the seat of your government like that without serious consequences.
Like the rest of the Trumpian times it was awful – but also laughable. But also really and truly awful. Trump incited a seditious riot. He should face serious consequences too.
But enough of that. That isn’t what I wanted to say here.
From shutdown to slowdown
What I wanted to say was that I need to slow down. My mind. I need to slow it down. To not get constantly distracted by current events. To slow down and focus.
I move at a snail’s pace anyway. But I’m a snail that is very distracted by all the raindrops that keep falling on my head and all around me.
To change something for the better you have to be able to really focus on it. Understand what’s going on. And know how you want to change it.
I feel like I’m starting from the very beginning. And I’ve not got the energy to move on from here. But – at my snail’s pace – I’m going to try.
Hopefully the 21st year of the 21st century will be something good.
It’s actually the 22nd year of the 21st century, isn’t it?
Well, this year is going have some very good moments.